dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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