I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
