I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
