I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
