If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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