I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
