I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
