Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
