I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
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