She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
