ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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