please come you make the beer taste better
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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