Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
