Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just invented taco cereal.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
