***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
