i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
