my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
