I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
COCAINE IS GR8
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
