Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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