Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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