Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
