I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
