I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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