the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is Oprah even human
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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