Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
