Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
