Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
