I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
