I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
