PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
