I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
