im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
