Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
