Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
