Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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