A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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