There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
