We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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