Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
