Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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