Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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