They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
