I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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