So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
