i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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