totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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