we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
