Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
