oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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