Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
