wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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