You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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