I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
